I HATE MY DAD!!!!!!!!!! Asshole. I can't stand him, to the point I stopped listening to him. I keep saying yeahh I will do my resume, but he's not listening and then he lecture me about the FUTURE without him. Yeah I get it, that he will be dead before me. But pleaseeee, while I was in Singapore I was also under pressure and he doesn't really care and whenever he's there he puts me under more pressure.

If he does that, I won't be able to do what I have to do. He doesn't understand how hard it is for me, who had just came back to Sydney with LIMITED english to write up a resume that's suppose to sell myself. HE DOESN'T BLOODY UNDERSTANDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HIM TO DEATH!

Labels: stressed

Basically, I am stressed right now, due to the assessment coming up. I don't know how many times I've stressed throughout the years that I've been out of Indonesia. This is like the N-th time I am stressed.

So, I have practical assessments throughout next week from Monday to Friday, which require a living thing called humans with long hair, regrowth line and white hair. The don'ts of the assessments are: no rebonded hair, no perm, no layers, no highlights, no "V" shaped natural inversion style.

But I cannot find models, or if I see one that's suitable I am extremely shy to ask. So here I am with a total of 3 models... I got no Natural inversion model, I got no square layer model. I have root retouch, glossing and one length forward graduation cut. No blow dry model and I am STRESSING~!!!.

OMGG what am I going to do???

Labels: Singapore, stressed, Toni and Guy Academy

Lately, due to stress, I quit going to TAFE. Right now, I am just staying home and go to dance twice a week. I've just checked my e-mail from mum, she said that I can't do anymore dance showcases. I hate it when people don't understand what dance is. She teach dancing too, a different style though. However, it's still dance; So why!? can't she understand that I love dancing, I cannot live without it? It has been a part of my life since I was little. I know it doesn't say in my fortune that one of the jobs suitable for me is dancing, but what can I do? Dance is me, without it I'll be nothing.

Why can't she understand that being in showcases is part of dancing? Why can't she see that I thrive in dancing, instead of forcing me to do hair dressing, or nail art? I don't want to do those jobs! I want to dance, I want to do it until I can't no more. Dance can bring food to the table, if you are good at it, become famous and work as part of a team? I want that kind of life, that's why I want to keep doing dance.

To me, dance was never a hobby, it is passion of life itself. Why can't people understand that to me dance is practically everything that I am? My parents encourages me to do what ever I want, why can't they just let me dance? I don't want this showcase to be my last, I want to keep doing it. WHY CAN'T THEY UNDERSTAND? I am not asking for much, I just wished they'd understand my point of view. I just wished they'd let me keep dancing. I don't just do it because it's a hobby that helps me keep fit, I do it because I LOVE IT.

Labels: stressed

This past year has been a blast, especially since last August when I started taking proper dance classes. I did travel and tourism at TAFE since last year, and I enjoyed it thinking that this will be the bachelors degree that I will take to university with me. But I was wrong and I regret realising it now.

Very good friends had reminded me that I must finish my course, one of which was my teacher Jaye. I must say thank you for thinking that I can finish this course. Thanks for making me smile everytime we talk online or offline, it doesn't matter.

I had a chat with my dad a few minutes ago, he wanted me to finish my course. But I can't, because I am getting bored of it. My heart and my want is not with it. My mum said not to think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I am officially broken.

If i go back to Indonesia, dance will be taken away from me. I don't want that, but I don't want to finish my course either. What do I do? AND NO JAYE AND EVERYONE ELSE... I want to drop this course.

Broken...

Labels: stressed

I had fight an hour ago with Amy and it's still going. It all started with me being an insensitive bitch that I am, not going to TAFE because I was tired. And expecting her to take notes and type them up for me. She told me she envied my family and everything about me. But what's there to envy about? I guess nobody trully understsnds their friends. This is why I am writing this because I want people to understand the real me. No more misconception, misunderstanding should happen after reading this unless I let it happen.

My life is not as it seems, despite the fact that I am from a well - off family with 2 parents and 3 other sisters not counting me, I still live a normal life. My childhoos, is one that I want to forget. Nothing good has come out of it, because I was stupid. I got slapped due to jigging a day in first grade, I was dragged too even though I was sick the previous day. I know my parents love me especially my mum, but you must know that she's a very strict person. She's scary when she's angry and nice when she's nice... like Angels and Demons I guess.

All my life, I have been dictated to do well in my education because I am the person who will determine the outcome. However, when it comes to prioritise I get stuck. Because I don't know how. Everything to me is important, including dance. Dance to me is passion of life itself. It's an irreplaceable part of my life; I've basically danced all my life since kindy through to now. It was in Sydney, since July last year that I discovered the true meaning of dance. And it was Jaye who taught me that meaning of it. And those meanings are: practice, perseverence, improvement, soul expression and fun.

It's not like I don't care about my school work, I just don't know where to start and how to started especially if all the homework requires group work. I can't work within a group when I am not close in relationship with the people that I work with. I work better with friends rather than strangers. Also, in the work that we do at school, there lacks motivation to continue working. 3 hours of class in the morning is doing my head in. I lose motivation to listen, when the topic of discussions are boring, such as: Managing financuak ioerations, project management, marketing plans, and the list goes on.BLAME IT ON THE COURSE!! And me for choosing it T___________T. Within the words of my fortune, the occupation to work as part of the travel industry is none! Not even a flight attendant.

My mum told me, that I am a person without a dream. And that is partially true; there are a lot of things that I want to do. But she said, that I do them half heartedly. I don't know what I want, there are many options, but they don't necessarily bring food to the table for the future, I am a person without a future, all the things that I do are just hobbies, there are no real meaning behind my every actions. I want to extend my Japanese, I want to further my graphic design, I want to be an interpreter, I want to be a dancer, I want to be everything in the world; but I can't. Every dream that I have ever had and dreamt of doing for the future are nothing more than words. I am a useless person in every way you look at my existence. I don't have a future, I cut off my long time friends, my memories of the past seems to be long gone. I started to lose who I really am a very long time ago. I wish I could turn back the time that I've wasted and start again, but I can never will. The times that has long gone cannot be turned back, I cannot go back to the past I've left.

nakitai toki wa nakeba ii kara
nee, muri wa shinaide
namida nagaretara
egao ga hiraku
hora, mou waratteru
Translation:

When you want to cry, cry, because it's good
Hey, don't do anything bad
If your tears are flowing
a smile will open up
Look, you;re still smilling
This was what I felt when Amy text me, apologizing for what she did to me. I cried, because she didn't understand my point of view. I cried because of stupidity to be scolded by her, I cried because I had nothing while she had many that I envy. But, she didn't see her good point and started to envy me. We misunderstood each other, and we get it. Amy I hope you'll understand my burden, because I don't want to cry again over a misunderstanding. Please understand my circumstances, I will try to change, but I don't know when it will be apparent.

Labels: stressed

OMG... I PROCLAIM THAT I HATEEEE RESEARCH MODULES!! >=( I don't understand what the hell I'am suppose to list. Objectives or data sources? And the overall objectives becoming research problems >.< rewriting the management problems as research problems will only make the problem longer and more confusing. And the budget bit... is that a yes or no answer question? despite the fact that it's worth one mark.

I haven't even start my secondary research bit YET!!! GAHHHHHHH.... I HATEEE JACK. He's a slave driver >=(. THIS SUCKSSS SHIT!!!!

Labels: stressed

TAFE started early February, and I started to get homework every single day. I don't know how many classes I have with this one teacher, but I don't really like it cause all his modules overlaps with each other and I get extremely confused about which part of the assignment is due when. Another issue is that, all assignments this year are group assignments and when people don't have any way to effectively communicate with each other, everyone in the group will feel pressure and anxiety all the time and they'll get mad at nothing and for no reason. I hate that, why can't the assignments be individual assignments? I am stressed over my head T_________T.

My friends are also stressed over their heads, I hope everything will end soon. I can't handle it, even if this is only the fifth week into the new semester. Every single assignments and parts of it are done in steps >.<. And every single part of assignments have their own marking guidelines T_____________T NYAHHHHH!! GRRRR!!! This become procrastination, stress makes me want to get distracted by other things over my assignments. Stress makes me want to cry, stress makes me want to do A LOT of unnecessary things beside studying.

I feel really ERGHHHH!! I can't express my stress in words lol.

Labels: stressed

Hey everyone, it's been a few weeks after my latest entry ey? I'm sorry for that, blame all the busyness on chores, school and resumes >.<. Like any other students there are around the world, I hate being busy... cause I'm lazy >.> so what?
I just finished writing my law notes into my notebook, it took a rather long time... longer than expected lol, blame it on distractions from my laptop >.> xD hehehe. And music... but then again I need music to concentrate, isn't it weird? lol
Right now, am listening to Big Bang... THEY ROCK YAYYYY!!
I want AAA's songs... can someone upload for me? xD hehehe, their songs are interestingly nice... and upbeat, and I like itttt xD hehehehe.
There's seems to be an increase in the number of assignments we're getting >.< and I am basically going balistically confused over it... GAHHH!!! this sucks!!

Labels: stressed

Before we get to the "Dancing is GREAT!!!" part, lets just get a rant going cause I have something to rant about that is getting on my nerve since the beginning of last year's second semester >.<.

So... Well, there's this girl that I HATE with a passion. She's thick headed and think that she dresses fine. However I would like to think otherwise about her dress code. So anyway, she dresses like a slut, in the literal meaning of the word. She wears mini skirts that's five inches above the knees, tank tops even in winter. And she stated; and I quote "I don't have any jeans". Who in the world doesn't have jeans? Even a pair is non - existent in her wardrobe. And, she complains about the miniscule things around her >.< she always say "I hated it when people on the street ask me for my number". Who wouldn't be pissed after hearing those phrases for a million times? IF she didn't want to be bothered by the men on the street, I suggest that she wears something more modest, like a shirt and jeans? But she ain't got any of those probably >.< GRRRRRR!!! This makes it the more reasonable it is to STRANGLE her.

Oh and yesterday, I talked to her about the things she said behind my back. I said to her "I heard from Noriko that you said I am ugly" and she said "No I didn't, somebody else did." HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO BELIEVE THAT SHIT? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! She's a bitch, piece of shit, slut, cunt, PAIN in the ass. I don't know what her problem is, but she should've told me to my FUCKIN' face. She kept denying that it was someone else that said I'm ugly, oh and she changed it to "I heard someone say that "Junita is weird". So I told her to tell me who it was that said that, but nooooooo she just FUCKIN' refused... and said "You're angry, I cannot tell you, cause if I did, that means I am bitching about them" If that's the case, is it right to not tell me that everyone thinks I am weird? Is it right to actually protect those assholes? Is it RIGHT to lie to me?

I DO NOT like it when people who don't know me, just straight away JUDGE me based on the way I act. I DO NOT like it when people lie to me to protect the ones who made bad judgements about me. I DO NOT like Cindy, she a fuckin' cunt who should die in the fires of hell, a fuckin' asshole who does not value kindness, a fuckin' slut who doesn't know what it feels to be greatful. She's a person who does not value personal space, because she followed Noriko around for three hours on Monday, got her resume printed at Noriko's preffered work experience travel agent and she basically FOLLOWED everyone around for hours on end.

I felt like she was stalking me from the beginning to the end of last semester. SHE FOLLOWED ME TO DANCEKOOL LAST SEMESTER ON A WEDNESDAY!! Stayed for an hour at the studio, met Jaye when she should've gone home or stayed down at the entrance. This was while I was busy making the presentation for Dale. She doesn't do her part of assignments, PEOPLE BEWARE OF HER LAZYNESS!!!! do not experience it if you don't have to.

On a lighter note, I went to dance today xD hehehe, instead of just doing Jaye's I went to Sonia's as well cause it was free. I thought it was great, but really tiring xD. Oh by the way, Sonia's french hehehe, she's a tiny mademoiselle, but wow she really does know her specialty which is street jazz. during her class I ended up going out of the studio and get another bottle of water... I drank 2 bottles during the two hours I was at DK xD. I skipped a bit of Jaye's warm up cause I felt warmer than usual xD hahaha. We continued with "Angel's Eyes" nyahh I love that song hahaha, we added a new step into it... ehehehe... I'll prolly show it next Tuesday before law xD hohohoho. And that is if I still remember it xD hahaha.

Anyway, overall today was a fun day, but yeah about Cindy wasn't the case. I'll end it here for today xD hohoho... it has gone too long.

Labels: DK, stressed

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! tomorrow is the start of hell T__________T I don't feel like going to school. Cause we'll geet busy from tomorrow onwards. I am not prepared to meet everyone and plus there's gonna be Yaz, Dexter's current girlfriend after breaking it with Amy. *sigh* Let's just say it's cause I am not used to new people... lol.

Labels: stressed