I had fight an hour ago with Amy and it's still going. It all started with me being an insensitive bitch that I am, not going to TAFE because I was tired. And expecting her to take notes and type them up for me. She told me she envied my family and everything about me. But what's there to envy about? I guess nobody trully understsnds their friends. This is why I am writing this because I want people to understand the real me. No more misconception, misunderstanding should happen after reading this unless I let it happen.

My life is not as it seems, despite the fact that I am from a well - off family with 2 parents and 3 other sisters not counting me, I still live a normal life. My childhoos, is one that I want to forget. Nothing good has come out of it, because I was stupid. I got slapped due to jigging a day in first grade, I was dragged too even though I was sick the previous day. I know my parents love me especially my mum, but you must know that she's a very strict person. She's scary when she's angry and nice when she's nice... like Angels and Demons I guess.

All my life, I have been dictated to do well in my education because I am the person who will determine the outcome. However, when it comes to prioritise I get stuck. Because I don't know how. Everything to me is important, including dance. Dance to me is passion of life itself. It's an irreplaceable part of my life; I've basically danced all my life since kindy through to now. It was in Sydney, since July last year that I discovered the true meaning of dance. And it was Jaye who taught me that meaning of it. And those meanings are: practice, perseverence, improvement, soul expression and fun.

It's not like I don't care about my school work, I just don't know where to start and how to started especially if all the homework requires group work. I can't work within a group when I am not close in relationship with the people that I work with. I work better with friends rather than strangers. Also, in the work that we do at school, there lacks motivation to continue working. 3 hours of class in the morning is doing my head in. I lose motivation to listen, when the topic of discussions are boring, such as: Managing financuak ioerations, project management, marketing plans, and the list goes on.BLAME IT ON THE COURSE!! And me for choosing it T___________T. Within the words of my fortune, the occupation to work as part of the travel industry is none! Not even a flight attendant.

My mum told me, that I am a person without a dream. And that is partially true; there are a lot of things that I want to do. But she said, that I do them half heartedly. I don't know what I want, there are many options, but they don't necessarily bring food to the table for the future, I am a person without a future, all the things that I do are just hobbies, there are no real meaning behind my every actions. I want to extend my Japanese, I want to further my graphic design, I want to be an interpreter, I want to be a dancer, I want to be everything in the world; but I can't. Every dream that I have ever had and dreamt of doing for the future are nothing more than words. I am a useless person in every way you look at my existence. I don't have a future, I cut off my long time friends, my memories of the past seems to be long gone. I started to lose who I really am a very long time ago. I wish I could turn back the time that I've wasted and start again, but I can never will. The times that has long gone cannot be turned back, I cannot go back to the past I've left.

nakitai toki wa nakeba ii kara
nee, muri wa shinaide
namida nagaretara
egao ga hiraku
hora, mou waratteru
Translation:

When you want to cry, cry, because it's good
Hey, don't do anything bad
If your tears are flowing
a smile will open up
Look, you;re still smilling
This was what I felt when Amy text me, apologizing for what she did to me. I cried, because she didn't understand my point of view. I cried because of stupidity to be scolded by her, I cried because I had nothing while she had many that I envy. But, she didn't see her good point and started to envy me. We misunderstood each other, and we get it. Amy I hope you'll understand my burden, because I don't want to cry again over a misunderstanding. Please understand my circumstances, I will try to change, but I don't know when it will be apparent.

Labels: stressed